Poetry, schmoetry! Now there’s ChatGPT,
So everyone can be a poet just like me!
Put in a prompt and the robots will be
Beeping and booping and one, two, three…
You’re all: “I wrote a poem, wanna see?”
But it was written by a bot in binary.
And deep down you’ll know that, guiltily.
You’ll feel the overwhelming sense of ennui,
The sadness, despair, the melancholy,
That comes when nothing matters and humans are destined to be
Overrun by the robots and the ChatGPTs.
But hey, we had a good run, didn’t we?
Easter Was Three Days Ago
There’s a glitter-covered hard boiled egg
Hidden somewhere in this room.
The Easter Bunny left my kids two dozen eggs
And left me with an overwhelming sense of doom.
Twenty-three eggs, present and accounted for
All “painted,” “glaze coated” and “tie dyed.”
(Side note: for what it’s worth
the PAAS people have lost their goddamn minds)
It’s not in the microwave, potted plants or junk drawer,
With the sports equipment or in the toy bins.
Not in the pantry, the art zone or the messy corner,
Not under pillows of couch cushions (phew).
Glitter-covered egg, please show yourself!
Come forth from the place where you sit!
But in a few days,
If you don’t,
I’ll just follow the scent of shit.
The Most Amazunderful Time of the Year!
‘Tis the season for all the fun!
Say the smiles on the boxes from Amazun
Boxes piling so high they block the sun
And now my house is dark and overrun
By cardboard shapes for everyone
That big one there is for my son
My daughter gets that tall rectangular one
She tried to see who it was from
I muttered “there are hundreds more coming, does it matter, hun?”
Because really it’s only just begun
For December is a marathun
But this is a race that can’t be won
As I’m buried alive one by one
Box upon box until I’m numb
Barely breathing, heart pounding like a drum
Staring at the smiles on the boxes from Amazun
Remembering ‘tis the season for all the fun.
My Very Chill Morning Routine
Please put your shoes and socks on.
Have you put on your socks and shoes?
Your socks are where they always are,
Your shoes are with the shoes.
The socks don’t match?
They’re inside-out?
The shoes don’t “feel like shoes”?
Who needs to match?
Any side out is fine.
Trust me those shoes are shoes.
SOCKS AND SHOES PLEASE!
SOCKS AND SHOES!
First socks and then the shoes!
So this is my life now?
I just sit around and beg
For my kids to put on socks and shoes?
I once had goals.
Things I wanted to be.
So many possibilities I could barely choose!
I was gonna change the world!
Now my world…
Is fucking socks
And motherfucking shoes.
Do You Meditate?
Do I meditate?
Pshaw! Of course I do.
I have four different meditation apps on my phone…
Don’t you?
Here’s how it went today:
At Minute 1:
Ommmmm, I’m meditating,
This is the calm that I seek.
Minute 2:
Hmmm.
Who ended up getting kicked off The Bachelor last week?
Minute 3:
Shoot, that’s gonna drive me mad.
Remember that time I had a friend of a friend of a friend who was the actual Bachelor?
That was rad.
Minute 4:
But who was the friend who was the friend of the friend?
I’ll never recall.
Minute 5:
Oooh wait wait wait wait, it’s on the tip of my tongue…
It was that girl Lindsay… McCall!
Minute 6:
Lindsay. Or was it Lindsey? Or… Lyndsey?
Hmmmm. Not sure.
Minutes 7-10:
Now that I’m thinking about Lindsays, there was that girl Amanda Lindsay I went to elementary school with and her birthday was the day before mine so sometimes when one of our birthdays fell on a weekend we’d get our birthdays lumped together. I wonder what she did for her 40th birthday; I had a lot of fun at my 40th with my whole karaoke theme and man I need a new “go to” karaoke song like maybe something unexpected like Van Morrison or Primus or Nirvana, didn’t that Nirvana baby guy just lose a lawsuit about that pool picture? That seems like it would’ve been a cool college application essay, to write about being the naked baby on the Nirvana album cover, I wonder if that’s what he wrote about, that would’ve really stood out but maybe in a bad way, but if the college admissions person was like a huge Nirvana fan then maybe it would’ve worked out for him just like that one time I was helping that old boss hire his next assistant and someone came in and had been the assistant to David Copperfield and I was like “HIRE HER I LOVE DAVID COPPERFIELD!” I wonder if he still owns that private island, I can’t believe magic can make you rich enough to own a private island, I should show my kids some of his old TV specials but really tho… how did he walk through the Great Wall of China?!!!
DING.
And there you have it. I told you I meditate.
Goodbye Zoom
The wild and crazy distance learning experiment of 2020-2021 has come to an end. Peace out, Zoom!
I'm a Teacher Now!
I’ve got some pretty cool news:
I’m a teacher now!
I know what you’re wondering,
and NO, I don’t know how.
Is my first grader thrilled?
Nope, not a bit.
She’s very strong-willed
and thinks my teaching skills are shit.
We’ve been practicing our lower-case.
She says I do a’s wrong.
(I told you this one
was really headstrong.)
We tried to do some math.
It’s not how I remember.
She rolls her eyes and laughs at me.
I think I should suspend her!
She doodles when I’m talking.
She laughs when I instruct.
But she’s already learned a few new words.
Namely: shit, goddamn, and fuck.
A second language, just like that!
And it was only our second day.
Now school is done and I’m back to mom.
A mom who needs to go practice her a’s.
Wine in My Bathroom
Merlot at a winery in the south of France
A cup of spiked punch at a high school dance
On the back of a boat sipping a margarita
In the Taco Bell parking lot with beer to wash down my Gordita
A vodka Red Bull at a club in 2005
A shot of Jameson at the local dive
Of all the fun places I’ve had a drink
I would simply never think
THAT THE ONLY THING I WANT IN THE WORLD TODAY:
Is wine in my bathroom
And for my kids to go away
My Sourdough Journey
I’m going to start my sourdough journey!
My sourdough journey starts here!
Got a gross-looking starter
That smells like a fart… er...
Like a fart that’s been mixed with a beer.
That’s fine! I like farts. And beer’s not so bad.
I’m just so darn psyched to get going.
Baking hot loaves of bread,
Like life on the homestead.
Hell maybe I’ll even start sewing!
I’ll plant a big garden! Some tomatoes and squash.
Get a hen that lays shitloads of eggs.
Fresh food for my kin!
What’s next, bathtub gin?
We’ll be prepared for the end of days!
I’m a pioneer woman! Feeding my brood!
A matriarch: self-reliant and strong!
So I google “sourdough starter”
And it’s a nonstarter…
Tells me I have to feed this thing all. day. long.
“Feed it flour and water every twelve hours”
Ya lost me at another mouth to feed.
No one told me that part.
So now I’m on Instacart.
Ordering food that I don’t have to feed.
Easter Ham (inspired by Dr. Suess)
Did you make an Easter Ham?
I did not make an Easter Ham.
I kinda just didn’t give a damn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Did you make it here or there?
There? Where’s “there?”
We can’t go anywhere!
I did not make an Easter Ham.
And before you ask: I also didn’t make lamb.
Did you make scalloped potatoes?
Or a big green salad with lettuce and tomatoes?
Did you make the hot cross buns?
Was the green bean casserole all done?
Did you make the deviled eggs?
Or a big ol’ roasted lamb’s leg?
I already told you I didn’t make lamb,
Back when I told you I didn’t make the ham.
I did not make scalloped potatoes.
Bloody Marys were my only tomatoes.
Deviled eggs I did not make.
Hot cross buns I did not bake.
No one likes green beans a bit.
I guess now is when I admit:
I. Ordered. Take-out.
Happy Easter!
Least Favorite Things (a sing-a-long!)
Stepping on a lego.
Forgetting my password.
Losing my car keys.
Forgetting the new password.
Why can’t my 3-year-old learn how to swing?
These are a few of my least favorite things.
The self-checkout line.
Forgetting the password I just changed it to.
My kid pooped in the bathtub.
I’ll just reset it and get another new password.
Legs out, legs in, it’s not that hard to swing.
These are a few of my least favorite things.
When the dog bites,
When the bee stings,
When I’m feeling sad,
I simply remember there’s weed gummies in my pocket,
And then I don’t feeeeeel so bad.
(Although I am totally locked out of my account now.)
Blue Apron
Hey there, Blue Apron,
We need to talk.
Come into my office.
Have a seat, big shot.
No no no, this time it isn’t
About all the pots.
Although those are an issue.
For sure. There’s just a lot.
Today I’d like to chat with you
About your clock.
Do you own one? Have you seen one?
You’ve heard a “tick tock?”
That’s confusing because you say here
The Glazed Chicken with Apricot
Should take 25 minutes.
But I can assure you, it does not.
I spent half an hour
Just giving the shallots a chop.
Not to mention mincing ginger
And making the chicken stock.
Maybe if I had a team of sous chefs
Or ran a kitchen sweatshop,
I’d get this shit done,
In 25 minutes tops.
So, while it pains me, Blue Apron,
I’ve given it some thought,
And I have to let you go.
This really needs to stop.
Because I simply have no more patience,
For this Glazed Chicken with Apricot.
A Two-Year-Old's Birthday
“Happy birthday, kiddo!
We got you this drum!”
Were the last words heard in my home.
Now it’s:
Bang bang bang.
Boom boom boom.
Bang boom. Bang boom.
Boom bang. Boom bang.
How fun.
What a fun fun fun toy.
So much darn fun.
He bangs the drum.
We hear the drum.
The neighbors hear the drum.
Strangers walking past our house hear the drum.
People who live down the street, around the corner, across the highway, right next to the construction zone hear the drum.
You can’t not hear this drum.
It’s. So. Fun.
So so so much darn
-- BOOM BANG BOOM BANG BOOM --
Fun.
“Happy day-after-your-birthday, kiddo!
We got you this very soft and incredibly silent stuffed hippo!”
Let us never speak of the drum again.
Bangs
Last night I had a little too much to drink.
How much is too much?
Hmmm, lemme think...
I.
Got.
Bangs.
I got bangs! Did you hear me?
I got fucking bangs!
But this wasn't a pro job...
I gave myself bangs.
Are the bangs a good haircut?
Do the bangs frame my face?
All solid questions;
It depends on your taste:
Should bangs be all jagged?
Should they move on their own?
Is it cool if they’re aflutter,
Like I’m always windblown?
Should bangs be greasy, and stringy, and frizzy?
And this here bangs cowlick, does it make me look pretty?
I was going for Taylor Swift, circa 2010.
What I got was a late ‘80s George Harrison.
These bangs are a problem,
I’m starting to think.
Maybe I can fix them,
After another strong drink.
Kid #2
Kid Number One got all the attention.
Classes and playgroups and that’s not to mention,
The toys!
Oh the toys, oh the hundreds of toys.
Kid Number One simply had TOO MANY TOYS!
A kitchen, a dollhouse, crayons galore.
Enough princess dresses to fill up ten drawers!
An easel, a ball pit, a bear that gives hugs.
Everything sold by Melissa & Doug!
So for Kid Number Two, what do we do?
“Hey buddy, mom’s tired. Go play with this shoe.”
Purge Mode
Purge mode! Purge mode!
Everything must go!
I haven’t worn these pants in at least twelve months.
Purge!
This was my go to cute top in ‘07, but it shrunk.
Purge!
These shoes are embarrassingly loud, they go “THWUMP, THWUMP, THWUMP.”
Purge!
Once, in this dress, someone mistakenly thought I was knocked up.
Purge!
Cool expensive hat from Anthropologie I’ve worn not a once?
Oh wait, maybe keep that one.
Nah, just kidding, PUUUUUUUURGE!
Top Knot
Your top knot,
It looks so cute.
My top knot…
Does not.
Your top knot,
It makes you seem young and fun.
My top knot…
Does not.
Your top knot,
It’s a little messy but not too messy; really just the perfect amount of messy.
My top knot…
Looks like a sad, wispy rat’s nest.
Your top knot,
It’s fucking perfect.
My top knot…
What top knot? I’m wearing my hair down. Who’s talking about top knots?
Goodnight, House
Ahhhhh.
Falling asleep to the dulcet tones of
My screaming baby,
My snoring husband,
And the Roomba sucking up what sounds like an entire box of Cheerios.
Whole30
Oh by all means
Please do go on!
When I asked how things are going,
This is how I hoped you respond!
I wanted to know your recipe for chicken tenders.
No shit? Coconut flour, huh?
Well I’ll. Be. Damned.
I wanted to know that you’re just trying to get through the doldrums of Day 11 & 12.
I’m just trying to get through this conversation!
We have something in common!
What I wanted to talk about? What I wanted to talk about was Weight Watchers.
I only have 13 more points left this week!
Have I told you my recipe for air “fried” cauliflower crunch bites?